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Wednesday 30 January 2013

8 Months Pregnant


A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming!” and I smiled.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to grin.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
“Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”… I just lost it.”
The judge slams his mallet down case dismissed

Bob, the next-door neighbor


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few
seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

What’s your wish?


A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil
lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk. ‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care
in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal
masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say. 

Police officer


A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.” ”Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
 As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “I know you – aren’t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?”
 ”Yeah, so?” said the officer.
 ”Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?” 

Government job


A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He says “Yes, just caffeine.”
“Have you ever been in the service?” the interviewer asks.
“Yes,” he says, “I was in Iraq for two years.”
The interviewer says “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment here.”,
and then asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes… an IED exploded near me and blew my testicles clean off.”
The interviewer tells the guy “O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8am to 4pm. You can start tomorrow at 10am, and plan on starting at 10am every day. Don’t worry,we’ll still pay you from 8am.”
The guy is puzzled and says, “If the hours are from 8am to 4pm, why don’tyou want me to be here before 10am?”
“‘This is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

Some simple facts


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Labour Pain Machine


A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

Love and Marriage


One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. ‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’
So he tied her up and went golfing.
—–
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’
The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’ ‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Just get out.’
—–
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
—–
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’
‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.
‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’
——
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’
The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

Gotta love old men


I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”

We’re in trouble…


The Population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 20 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice… Real nice.

Want a day off work?


So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.
You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.
This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.
We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.
We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

Different vacations


Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther,
“Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different! The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earline didn’t get pregnant again.”
Luther asks Billy Bob, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”
Billy Bob says, “This year I’m taking Earline with me.”

Ladies, Read Only The First Part – Men, The Rest


A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.” For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock.” The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM-she’s the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, “I’d like a mild heart attack.”
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don’t mess with them.
Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers, continue reading….
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife
Moral of the story: Women think they’re so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!

Sunday 27 January 2013

Drunk Driving Test


A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he’s stopped by a police officer.
Officer: “Good evening sir. We’re testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?”.
Man: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air”.
Officer: “Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test.”
Man: “I can’t do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death”.
Officer: “Then you’ll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line”.
Man: “Can’t do that either.”
Officer: “Why not?”
Man: “Because I’m dead drunk!”

10 reasons why your computer is better than your girlfriend


1.) She doesn’t talk back to you. At best she beeps or gives you the silent treatment.
2.) She provides you with more information than your girlfriend will ever know.
3.) When you upgrade you know the costs up front.
4.) You can stare at tons of other girls and your computer will never get mad at you.
5.) You can shut her down whenever you get tired of her.
6.) Troubleshooting your computer is much easier than your GF.
7.) Your computer holds many valuable bits of information about your past and still likes you.
8.) You can press your computers buttons without any worry of repercussions.
9.) Your computer won’t sleep with your best friend or cheat on you.
10.) Your computer will cost a lot less than any girlfriend!

Why some men prefer dogs over women


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ‘If I died, would you get another dog?’
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

Why some men prefer dogs over women


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ‘If I died, would you get another dog?’
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

Why some men prefer dogs over women


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, ‘If I died, would you get another dog?’
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.

Car acronyms


BMW – Big Money Waste
BUICK – Big Ugly Indestructible Compact Killer
CHEVROLET – Can Hear Every Valve Rattle On Long Extended Trips
CHEVY – Cheapest Heap Ever Visioned Yet
DODGE – Drips Oil Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT – Fix It Again Tomorrow
FORD – Found On Road Dead –  Fix Or Repair Daily
GM – Grinding Metal
GMC – Gotta Mechanic Coming
HONDA – Hold On, Not Done Accelerating
JEEP – Just Enough Engine Power
KIA – Killed In Action
MAZDA – Made At Zoo by Demented Apes
MG – Mostly Garaged
OLDSMOBILE – Old Ladies Driving Slowly Making Others Behind Increasingly Late Everyday
PINTO – Powerful Incendiary, Neatly Toasts Occupants
PLYMOUTH – Please Let Your Mother Out from Under The Hood
PONTIAC – Poor Old Nebraskan, Thinks It’s A Cadillac
PORSCHE – Piece Of Rusty Scrap, Cost Highly Expensive
SUBARU – Still Usable But All Rusty Underneath
TOYOTA – The One You Ought To Avoid
VW – Virtually Worthless

A young boy walks into a barber shop


A young boy walks into a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

A Lie Detecting Robot

A dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. “son, where were you today?” the son says “at school dad”. Robot slaps the son. “Okay, i watched a dvd at my friends house”. “what dvd”? “Toy story”. Robot slaps the son again!. “Okay, it was a porno” cries the son. Dad yells “WHat! when i was your age, i didnt know what porn was”. Robot then slaps the dad. Mom laughs “Hahaha, he’s certainly your son”. Robot then slaps the mom

Things that your wife doesn’t use


The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making Love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me –faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!
And the husband replied “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Fine, go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
And the husband began — “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that
she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued – “She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please … do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”

How Indian Contractors work


Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in Washington D.C. One from Bangladesh , another from India and the third, from China.
They go to White House office to examine the fence.
The Bangladesh contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well”, he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. ($400 for materials, $400 for my team and $100 profit for me)”.
The Chinese contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. ($300 for materials, $300 for my team and $100 profit for me)”.
The Indian contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, outraged says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
The Indian contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from China to fix the fence.”
“Done!” replies the government official.

Who Says Men Aren’t Sensitive


A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side!
She turns to him, invitingly… they kiss…and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it for you?”
The guy yawns: “Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf.”

Saturday 26 January 2013

These things will surely end your ERA

Jealousy, Impatience, Independence, Disbelief & Egotism - these things will surely end your ERA!

Smile!

SMILE
It Irritates Those
Who wish to
Distroy You

Friday 11 January 2013

When someone talks about

When someone talks about their problems, it doesn't just mean they're complaining, it means they trust you enough to tell you.

Happiness is a perfume

Happiness is a perfume you cannot pour on others without getting some on yourself.

Monday 7 January 2013

Don't expect to be present


If you are absent
during my struggle,
Don't expect to be present
during my success.

Don't trust too much


Don't trust too much
Don't love too mich
Don't hope too much

Because that
TOO MUCH
Can hurt you
SO MUCH

Do you know who YOU are talking to


Desi Man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee. On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, "Get me a coffee quickly!"

The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?"

No", replied desi man.

"It's the Managing Director of the company, you fool!"

Desi man shouted back, "And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?"

"No", replied the Managing Director.

"Thats Good!", replied desi man and put down the phone!

वास्तविकता...

बच्चों की गलती नहीं है, जब स्त्रियां ( माताएं) दीपिका, कैटरीना  बनने के सपने देखती हो तो समाज में  महावीर या बुद्ध का जन्म कैसे हो?